Sulphur and Wine

Kristen says:

46 chapters on a side project… /sigh. You put me to shame.

First five chapters are great so far. Interesting beginning, kept me hooked. There wasn’t really a “dead” space in the whole excerpt.. The chapters seem short which is good.

AEvon is a hard name for me to pronounce in my mind. I end up thinking “Avon” which isn’t very manly, brings up thoughts of make-up and moisturizing cream. That being said, it is a mysterious name which fits. I like the straight-forwardness of his character a lot. It’s appealing and helps the book to move along nicely, two birds.

Are we supposed to like the girl at first? Because, despite her condition, I don’t feel very sorry for her and I want to like her… I feel like I should like her, but you’re not throwing me a bone here. If this is a transformation book and I’m just waiting for character development then I forgive you.

Page 7: “bottles of drink” halfway down, I suggest to name a specific beer there (Blue Moon, Dos Equis, etc). Specificity is believability and it adds to the personality of the character. I like my dessert rich, what can I say?

Lynde’s reaction to AEvon’s house is missing for me. I know she’s a bit out of it at first but I would like to see her reaction later on. Females tend to have emotional connections with material possessions. Which is why you probably haven’t thought a lot on it, being male =P. But the first thing I do when I enter into someone’s home is look around. I usually get a comfortable feeling or an uncomfortable one immediately. Then I look at individual things and try to get insight on what that person is like. “This person has Harry Potter books, okay we’ll get along.” or “This person has a lot of home-made stuff, geez, she’s supermom.” You would be giving the reader insight to both Lynde’s background and AEvon’s personality. Or it may just be extremely unnecessary and I’m blowing smoke.

I like the creative side effects of turning into a draco; the hot flashes and cold chills. Obviously they use heat to kill so it makes sense, I’m just glad you thought of that.

End of Chapter 4: “shiver” (in some form) would be a good word to use in that last sentence. That implies that she is worried that he might change his mind about her, makes her position seem more precarious, and it shows the reader where her mind is at.

That’s really all I have. Overall the tone is consistent; dark and uncomfortable (in a good way). I know I’m knit-picky. I’m just telling you the kinds of things I *think* I would like to hear concerning my book. Praise is great, but not very helpful. I hope this is encouraging as well as helpful.